Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
