since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
