i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
