need another drink. this is the easiest way
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
