Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
