i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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