She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
we made out on top of his cat.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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