What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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