Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
