Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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