Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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