8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
