doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
