I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
