My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
