all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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