My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
