A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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