I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
