remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize