I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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