3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
