You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
