I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
