Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
