apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
