Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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