I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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