I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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