she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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