Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
a search helicopter?!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
