And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
