That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
