Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
