Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So much rum. So many feels.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Naked. naked and bneed help.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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