mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
