Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
