I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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