I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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