Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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