i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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