At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
