Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
