he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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