do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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