They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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