I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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