how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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