3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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