shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
