i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
