my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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