Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
