im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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