Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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